


Wherever You Will Go

by closetspngirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff (some), More angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 10:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18892999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetspngirl/pseuds/closetspngirl
Summary: To quote DragonGirl420 : “Look. It’s straight up angst. Sam’s happy, then he’s really fucking sad. Bring tissues.”





	Wherever You Will Go

“Ok baby girl, your teeth are brushed?” Sam asked the little girl who looked just like Y/N did when she was that age.

 

“Yep!”

 

“You had your water?”

“Yes daddy.”

 

“You have Mr. Fizzles?” he asked her, not sure why she loved the sock puppet that Garth gave her as much as she did, but if it made her sleep easier than so be it.

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“Ok, then tuck in. Which story do you want to hear tonight? We have all of Aunties Charlie and Dorothy’s stories. The Scarecrow of Oz? The Patchwork Girl? Which one would you like?”

 

“Umm…” she thought for a moment, scrunching up her little face while she thought. “I don’t want any of those.”

 

“Then what else would you like tonight baby?”

 

“Tell me how you met mommy.”

 

The request made Sam pause. She had never asked him that before. The thought had actually never even occurred to him to tell her that story. And being that he couldn’t give her all the details, gruesome shtriga hunts weren’t exactly the thing dreams were made of for a three year old, he classed it up a little bit.

 

“Well baby, a long long time ago there was a Princess. She loved to roam the land and ride her trusty mare Winifred through the land that her father, the king, watched over.”

 

“Daaaaddy...that’s a princess story. I want the story of mommy.”

 

“Just a second sweetie. I’m getting there. Anyways, the Princess--” Sam was cut off by a little huff from the child.

 

“Sorry, mommy…” he continued getting a grin from her in response.

 

“So mommy was on Winifred galloping through the forest when she heard a little boy cry out. When she found him, he was being taken by a troll!” He flourished the last bit, pulling a gasp out of her.

 

“Daddy, this is scary…” she started to whimper, pulling the blanket up to her chin.

 

“That’s as scary as it’ll get baby. The prince is coming to help the princess. Do you still want me to keep going?” She only nodded her head in reply.

 

“The prin--mommy tried to save the boy but she couldn’t get back on Winifred quickly enough. But thankfully, the prince...daddy...was in the same forest and heard the noise. Daddy saw mommy trying to help the little boy, and together they not only saved the boy, but also banned the troll from ever being allowed in the kingdom’s forest ever again. They took the little boy back to his own mommy and daddy, and they went on to live happily ever after overseeing the kingdom with the king and queen. How was that baby? Good story?”

 

“Daaaaddy...trolls aren’t real. They’re like the ones in the movie, like Poppy and Branch! That was a princess story.”

 

“I’ll tell you what, when you’re a little older I’ll tell you that story again. For now though, it’s bedtime, ok?”

 

“Ok daddy.”

 

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Night babygirl.”

 

Not ready to go to bed himself, he walked into the library, pulled a worn fabric covered book, one of her favorites and flipped it open to a full page image of Dorothy and her friends, including his best friend with the long red locks, walking arm in arm down the yellow brick road. Tucked in the crease of the book was a letter, a once crumpled envelope flattened over time from the pressure of being in the book. He took it out and slid the pages from the envelope that had his name so neatly scrawled on the front.

 

It always hurt him to read the letter, but he knew he would never stop reading it, and would one day be reading it to the little girl who was curled up in bed. Everytime he read the letter, memories would flood his mind, of all the amazing times he had with Y/N, the love that she had for their daughter, for life and their friends and family.

 

He turned on the radio, keeping it low enough to not wake the child, but loud enough to give him some background noise, he sat in the big wing backed chair in one of the alcoves of the library. Sam looked at the papers in his hand again, letting out a heavy sigh before he started reading, not realizing that the words of ‘ _Wherever You Will Go_ ’ started filling the room.

 

 

\- - -

 

My dearest Sam,

 

My worst fear has come true; I’ve had to leave you and Charlotte. I have been dreading this day since this for some time now. Honestly, I always figured it would be from a werewolf, a witch, or maybe even a vampire; not something like this. This was the hard way out. I had hoped at the very least it would be something...easier.

 

Sam, I’m writing this because soon it will be time for me to go, and I guess I wanted to reflect on the life that we had together, remember the lives that you and I built for ourselves and for Charlotte. It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours. You have given me so much, and despite all the monsters and bad things that have been our normal, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

 

**So lately, been wondering**

_I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had been a nervous wreck all morning, thinking about what I was about to do. I knew that this was more than I could ever ask for out of life, especially our life. I wasn’t supposed to get something like this, the happily ever after. But she made sure that I did. She knew what this life was like, the toll it took on us. But she was there through all of it._

_It was spring. There was a path that wound around the bunker and into a little wooded area not far from the old building. She loved walking out there, especially after a rain fall when the smell of the earth was so strong. She said it calmed her, that it was her happy place. I would go on these walks with her, hand in hand, sometimes talking about the day and other times in quiet contemplation, but just being there with her. There wasn’t usually a destination in mind, but she did have her favorite spot. There was a tree, a nurse log, that had some natural twists and bends in it, making it look like a bench of sorts, one of the thick branches came up like a chair back, and the trunk itself was flatter than most, making for a more comfortable seat than the normal bark covered trees. This was her spot. She’d come out here to read, write or just to think and breathe in the just rained air._

_Today was different. Today there was a destination, and her spot was it, and I had one thing in mind that I wanted to say. When we got there she started to go to sit but I kept her hand in mine, silently asking her to stay next to me. I ran my thumb over her cheek, looking into those beautiful eyes of hers._

_“Sam…what-” she whispered, but I wouldn’t let her finish, moving my hand so that my finger lay gently on her lip. My hand trailed steadily down her arm over the sleeve of her coat until it reached her fingers, both of our gazes following the trail it took._

_As I took her hand I fell to one knee, pulling out a simple silver band and small solitaire diamond out of my pocket. At the gasp that I heard escape her lips, I looked up to her, her other hand over her mouth and tears starting to gather in her eyes._

_\- - - -_

_Things were great for a while, we were happy and life together wasn’t as hard fought as we, or I, assumed it would be. There were days when I felt like things were just a little bit off. I tried to ask her about it, but she just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal; that she was fine._

_That aside, things were good, perfect even; she was perfect. She made me the happiest man that day as I watched her walk down the aisle in the flowing white gown._

_Cas was the one to marry us. It was a simple wedding, with only our close friends and family. It was amazing, and meant the world that she and I could have that one day together where we didn’t have to worry about monsters and have the weight of the world on our shoulders._

_As we exchanged our vows, I couldn’t look away from her. I never wanted to look at anything other than her. We were finally getting our forever._

 

**Who will be there to take my place**

**When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face**

_We stayed up that night talking, backs against the headboard and Y/N tucked into my side. The both of us had had our share of tears that day since getting the news. It was still hard to process hearing something like that. Having so much taken away from you so quickly with only a few words._

_“Sam, what if…they said they didn’t know…”_

_“Baby, you will beat this. This doesn’t mean the worst. You’re a hunter. You’ve killed some of the toughest and strongest monsters this world has to offer. This is just another monster that you’re facing. You can do this baby. I have so much faith in you and I know you’ll beat this.”_

**If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all**

**Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own**

_She came to me one day in the library, having been crying, her eyes still wet and rimmed in red._

_“Baby what is it, are you ok? Do you hurt? Talk to me.” I asked her, getting up from the table and forgetting whatever book it was that I had been studying and rushing to her._

_“No. I’m…I’m fine. I can’t…can’t,” she said between sniffles, having a hard time with forming the sentence._

_“You can’t what, Y/N. Breathe. Whatever it is, it’s ok,” I tried to say calmly, brushing my hand over her hair._

_“I can’t…I can’t have kids. Because-”_

_“Shhh. It’s ok,” I told her, wrapping her up in my arms and kissing the top of her head. “We can figure this out.”_

_When really, I didn’t know how we would figure that out. She had always wanted kids. That was her dream since she was a little girl, and who was she to let something like hunting stand in the way of her dream? I never heard him walk in, but I looked up and saw Dean standing in the doorway, a look of empathetic concern covering his face._

_\- - - -_

_Y/N and I were in the kitchen making lunch, nothing fancy, just sandwiches for everyone. Dean and Charlie walked in, a serious look on both of their faces. Charlie had been staying with us at the Bunker while waiting for Dorothy to return from Oz, so my first thought was that something was wrong with her._

_“Hey! You’re just in time for lunch. I hope sandwiches are okay for you two,” Y/N said cheerfully._

_I could tell something was on their minds though, the way they exchanged a nervous glance between them. But she was having a good day and I didn’t want to spoil it._

_“Y/N, uh…there’s something we wanted to talk to you two about,” Dean said, stealing another glance from Charlie._

_“What is it? Charlie are you okay? Is it Dorothy?”_

_“No sweetie, I’m fine, so is she,” Charlie said, a comforting smile in place. “Dean overheard your talk with Sam yesterday, and he came to me wanting to find a way to help. We talked about it last night, and...I want to help you.”_

_“How? There’s nothing that anyone can do other than what the doctors are doing,” she said to Charlie. Dean and Charlie knew about Y/N’s condition, it was no secret to any of us, but she also made it explicitly clear that it wasn’t to change how we acted around her._

_“No, Y/N, about not being able to have kids.”_

_“Oh.”_

_I was watching Y/N during this exchange, not knowing exactly where Charlie was going with this, but watching how she reacted._

_“Y/N, Dean and I talked, and we…I, want to be a surrogate for you. I will carry your baby for you, and you can be there every step of the way. Even if you can’t physically carry the child, you can raise them and care for them.”_

_Y/N was standing there, eyes wide and jaw dropped. After a second or two, that felt more like an eternity, she looked at me, almost unsure of what she was hearing. “Are you…? Sam…can she…I can have a baby?” she whispered._

_I was so happy with what Charlie had just offered. Doing something like this was huge. “Yeah baby, that’s what Charlie is saying,” I told her through wet eyes as I tried to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. She threw her arms around my neck while crying into my shoulder, her tears this time happy ones._

_As I held onto her I looked at Dean and Charlie, as he had an arm around her shoulder, both of them smiling at the response. “Thank you so much. This is such an incredible gift you’ve given her,” I told Charlie._

_After a moment, Y/N let go of me and wiped at her face to dry the tears before going over to Charlie and giving her a big hug, giving one Dean after as well._

_\- - -_

_“Sam, how will this work? It won’t be mine. I’m so grateful that Charlie offered this, but isn’t there some part of you that will always think about it not being 100% and truly our child?”_

_I ran a finger along her cheek, looking into those beautiful eyes. “No baby. It can and will be our child. I was talking to Charlie later tonight after that conversation and there’s a type of surrogacy called a gestational surrogate. It’s your egg and my sperm, Charlie will just be giving the baby a place to grow. She’ll have no genetic ties to the baby, and you will be 100% the biological mother.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Mm-hm. You’re getting your dream.”_

_\- - -_

_The months passed and when it was time, Dean drove Charlie to the hospital with Y/N and I following them. Given the circumstance of our situation, they let Y/N, Dean and myself stay in the suite while she gave birth. Charlie had a fairly easy labor and delivery, handling the entire thing like the strong Queen we all knew she was. Y/N and I were watching from the corner of the room, my arm was around her the entire time. Towards the end of the delivery she turned into me and put her head on my chest as I kissed the top of her hair._

_“It’s ok baby. Charlie is doing great. She’s almost done,” getting a nod of her head in response. I knew the emotion of the events were getting to her, and she was no doubt starting to cry. When the first glorious sound of a cry came, Y/N looked up at me with more love in her eyes than I had ever yet seen and a smile on her face._

_“Sam, she’s here. She’s actually here.”_

_“What do you say we go meet our baby girl?”_

_The doctor bundled her up and walked towards us while a nurse was tending to Charlie._

_“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Winchester, your baby girl arrived safe and sound!”_

_Y/N took the tiny bundle in her arms and it was the most perfect sight I had ever seen. After a few moments of being swaddled and adjusting to the environment, our baby girl calmed down. Tears were falling down Y/N’s cheeks as she ran a gentle finger over her little cheek and nose. She looked back up to me, “She’s perfect.”_

_“Yeah she is,” I said as I kissed the top of her head again. “Let’s go introduce her to her aunt and uncle.”_

_We walked over to the side of the bed where Charlie was now resting, with Dean sitting on the edge of the bed holding her hand._

_“Well look at this perfect little family!” Dean said quietly with a big smile on his face._

_“Charlie, thank you so much. I can never thank you enough for this gift you’ve given us. This means the absolute world,” Y/N said to her._

_Reaching out a hand, Charlie placed it on Y/N’s arm. “I’m more than happy to have done this for you. You’ve become like a sister to me. I’m thrilled that I could give you something that you and Sam have both always wanted. Now, what’s the sweet princess’s name?”_

_Y/N looked up at me, and I nodded, smiling down at her while running a hand up and down her back._

_Looking back down at our daughter she whispered, “Charlie and Dean, meet your niece Charlotte Mae Winchester. Charlie for short.”_

_There was a small gasp from Charlie. “Charlie…like…”_

_She looked up at her and nodded._

_“Y/N, that’s perfect,” Dean said as he leaned over and kissed her forehead._

**If I could, then I would**

**I'll go wherever you will go**

**Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go**

_This was cause for celebration. Charlotte was 10 months old and Charlie was off on another one of her adventures with Dorothy in Oz. We had just come back from the doctors office to Dean sitting at the library table with Charlotte sitting on top of it as he flipped through a tome, pointing to different pictures._

_“Hey, how was the appointment?” Dean called as Y/N all but bounded down the last of the steps to go over and pick up Charlie off the table, spinning her around and hugging her._

_“Great! Wasn’t it Y/N?” I said, to the both of them._

_Dean looked over to Y/N with a raised eyebrow that asked the question for him._

_“I’m in remission!” She said proudly, hugging onto Charlie again._

_“Oh my god! Y/N, that’s wonderful!” He said, standing up and hugging her and Charlie._

_\- - - -_

_Later that night after Charlie had been put down in her room, Y/N and I laid in bed watching a movie on Netflix that we had both seen countless times. My arm was around her shoulder and her head was on my chest. I brought my hand up and started running my fingers through her hair._

_“I’m so proud of you baby. I knew you could do it. You kicked ass,” I told her, kissing her head._

_“Thank you for believing in me Sam. It means the world. I’ve finally gotten everything I hoped for. A wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and a life that is without a doubt so exceptionally messy, but 100% ours. I wouldn’t change any of this for the world,” she sat up as she finished, kissing me softly on the lips._

_It had been such a long time that I had been able to show her how wonderful she was. I leaned back in to kiss her again, keeping it firm but gentle, my hand coming up to her neck and tangling with her loose hair. Pulling back just enough, I looked into her eyes for a moment._

_“You are a strong and beautiful woman, Y/N. I love you so much, and more every day.”_

_“I love you too, Sam,” she whispered back._

_Leaning back into the kiss once more, I gently pushed her back so that she was lying on the bed under me. We spent the night tangled up in each other, reconnecting in the most intimate ways._

**And maybe, I'll find out**

**A way to make it back someday**

**To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days**

_It was six months later, Y/N was laying in bed still asleep while I took Charlie out on my morning run with me in the jogger. I came back from the run, carrying Charlie down the hall on my hip, planning on putting her in the pack-n-play in our room while I showered. As I turned the last corner to go towards our door, I saw her._

_“DEAN!”_

_Everything was slow motion after that. I didn’t even hear Dean running down the hall or picking up Charlie, or even hear him calling Cas. All I could see was Y/N lying on the ground unconscious, not responding to my pleas to wake up._

_\- - - -_

_She looked so helpless lying in the bed, with the chords and monitors hooked up to her. I sat there, head in my hands, waiting for her to wake up._

_After what felt like a lifetime, the beeping of the monitor started picking up slightly. Noticing the change, I looked up and saw Y/N start to stir._

_“Shh, baby, I’m here. I’m right here,” I said, trying to stay as calm as possible sitting next to her on the bed._

_“Sam. Wha-”_

_“Shh. Don’t talk baby. It’ll all be ok. It’ll be fine,” I told her, unable at this point to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, but they were coming, and I was going to breakdown right here. I should have known that she could read me, almost as well as Dean could. She looked right in my eyes, hers starting to fill with worry, concern and tears of her own. Shaking her head slowly, she opened her mouth as if to speak, but nothing coming out. Y/N was mouthing the words before any sound was able to escape._

_“No...no, Sam...it’s not…”_

_I held her head to my chest, the both of us crying heavy tears now. Barely speaking louder than a whisper I told her. It hurt me so much to have to tell her._

_“It is. Baby I’m so sorry. I wish I could take this away from you. It came back, and it spread. The doctors said...it’s not good. I’m so sorry…”_

**If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all**

**Then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you**

_“Rowena, can I talk to you for a minute?”_

_“Of course Y/N, what’s on your mind?” the redhead said as they walked into the library away from everyone else._

_“Um, I need to talk to you about...me, and when…” she said, looking down at the ground, unable to get the words out._

_As if reading her mind, Rowena knew what Y/N was trying to say. “Oh dearie. Is it possible? Yes. Suggested? No. That spell, magicae necromantiorum is extremely difficult for even a well versed witch such as myself. I can certainly do it, but there’s so many things that can go wrong. There’s a chance that you wouldn’t be...you.”_

_“But...it’s possible. Maybe in a worse case situation? I’m not saying I want to be, but Sam. He--”_

_“Will be fine dear,” Rowena finished. “Will he hurt? Mourn? Be angry? He’s a Winchester. He will be all of those things for some time. But it, and little Charlotte Mae, will remind him that you happened. Anyone can see that you’re the best thing that has happened to that man.”_

_She placed a hand on Y/N’s cheek as she spoke, genuinely sad for the situation._

_“I’ll tell you what. There’s a couple items that I would need from you, should he decide to do this. Why don’t you get me those things, and then that way I have them.”_  


_“Anything you need.”_

**If I could, then I would**

**I'll go wherever you will go**

**Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go**

_“Dammit Cas!” I yelled, pushing a pile of books off the table and onto the floor of the library._

_“Sam. Please,” the angel pleaded._

_Dean stood beside him, arms crossed over his chest watching me with his usual brotherly concern. But this was worse, because he knew that I was close to losing one of the most precious things in the world to me._

_“NO! Do something! You can save her!”_

_“Sam, you know that’s not how--”_

_“Cas, you save her or so help me--” I was making my way into Cas’ space, the angel not flinching as I got closer. I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do when I got there, humans are no match for angels. Just then I felt a hand come across my chest and pull me back. Dean. He kept pulling me back, my back against his chest, until I realized that he was holding me. Not in a protective way to keep me from going at Cas, but to keep me from...myself. I was angry. Crying. Clutching a hand on Dean’s arm. I couldn’t hear anything he was saying to me through the sobs tearing through my body. I knew I was being irrational. I knew Cas couldn’t help her. I was just so angry with no one to be angry **at**._

_I couldn’t lose someone else. This life was not perfect. It was messy. So wonderfully, ungodly messy. But she said it was ours. It was supposed to be ours. And I was losing it, her. Again._

_“Dean. This wasn’t supposed to--” I tried to say through the tears._

_“Shh...I know Sammy,” Dean said from over me. I didn’t even realize that I had fallen into a chair, his arm still around me. Although it was probably more because I hadn’t let him go. I felt his chin on my head as he held me while I cried. I was losing Y/N. We had all the lore, demons, angels and even a witch. Nothing could save her. Rules. Damn rules._

**Run away with my heart**

**Run away with my hope**

**Run away with my love**

_Later that night after I exhausted myself in my fit of rage against Cas, Y/N and I were laying in bed, the only sound filling the room was that of us breathing. Neither of us were in the mood for a movie, Charlie had already been down for a couple hours, we just wanted this time together, while…_

_“I heard you today,” she said quietly, her back to my chest._

_I figured she did. I knew I hadn’t been quiet about the ordeal. I couldn’t say anything. I was upset at myself, at the universe. At Chuck._

_“It’s okay Sam. I’ve accepted it. Of course I’m not happy about it. But it’s happening. There’s nothing that anyone can do. I need you to accept that too.”_

_She was running a hand over the arm that I had over her waist, holding her to me, my nose at her neck smelling the lilac body wash that she used. I had to wrench my eyes closed, I could feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes again. I was kind of surprised that I even had more to cry._

_“This isn’t going to be easy on anyone. Especially you. I wish the least I could do is make this hurt less. The last thing I want is you hurting again. This isn’t fair to you. I’m so sorry Sam.”_

_The arm around her tightened slightly. The tears were running down and hitting the side of her neck. I tried to keep quiet, but my body had other plans._

_In something barely above a whisper I managed a few words. “I just can’t lose you. I love you too much. What is Charlotte going to do? What does she have left?”_

_Charlotte. My heart started breaking all over again._

_“You, Sam. She has you. You have each other. The two of you have this incredible family we’ve made; Dean, Cas, Charlie, Donna, Jody and the girls. Everyone.”_

_She was right. Dean and I had built such a strong family around us. I knew I wasn’t going to be alone. I was just being selfish._

_“She has you.”_

**I know now, just quite how**

**My life and love might still go on**

**In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time**

_It was Charlie’s second birthday and everyone was in the bunker to celebrate. There certainly wasn’t a shortage of birthday presents for her. Y/N had been sitting in one of the oversized chairs in the corner of the library for most of the party. I could tell she wasn’t doing well. She knew she wasn’t either, despite her attempts at brushing me off when I asked about it._

_“Hey baby,” I whispered as I kissed her head and knelt down next to her._

_“Hey,” she smiled at me. A weak, heartbreaking smile._

_“Little Miss certainly got a lot of toys. Maybe I’ll save some and give them to her at Christmas? She won’t know,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, knowing it was useless._

_Y/N smiled softly, if not a little forced, putting a hand on my cheek. “I’m so glad she has you, Sam.”_  


_“Baby, don’t talk like this. Not right now.”_

_“Sam. Please. I need to say this. I need you to see this. All of these people here right now, they’re here for not only Charlie, but for you.”_

_I let out a sigh from a breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding and looked down at her hand that was resting on top of mine. Despite being in a room full of people and our two year old, it was just her and I in that moment._

**If I could, then I would**

**I'll go wherever you will go**

**Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go**

_It had been just three weeks since the birthday party. Y/N had been sitting at the table in the library coloring with Charlie. Dean and I had just gotten back from a supply run, the hunting having stopped for us, given everything that was going on. As I walked down the last of the wrought iron steps and through the war room, I called out to the two of them._

_“Well what are my beautiful girls up to?” I asked, walking over to kiss each of them on the head. Y/N didn’t immediately answer me, which I didn’t take notice to, until a few moments passed and she looked at me with an almost blank look on her face._

_  
“Baby?” I asked as she stood up, taking a step toward me._

_What happened next was all in slow motion, and what seemed simultaneously._

_Cas appearing suddenly, “Y/N!”_

_Dean running over, “Y/N!”_

_Charlie asking, “Momma?”_

_Y/N collapsing into my arms, “Baby! No no no...c’mon baby. Y/N, wake up. This is not how you leave us. Don’t do this…” I kept talking knowing that she couldn’t hear me, that she wasn’t responding._

_\- - - -_

_Dean and I had moved Y/N to our bedroom, wanting her to be as comfortable as possible. Cas looked her over and told us that this was it, figuring there would be no point in dealing with the hospital and the added stress. Cas disappeared, returning moments later with Rowena. I was kind of surprised to see her, but she just mentioned that there was something that she needed to talk to Y/N about, and that she also wanted to make sure that she was as comfortable as she possibly could be._

_After Y/N woke up and was doing okay, which was relative, I brought Charlie in to see her. Of course a two year old doesn’t understand a concept as big as this. I sat her down before going in to see Y/N, trying to explain that she was very sick and didn’t feel good._

_“Like when Mr. Fizzles got sick?”_

_“Yes baby,” I said, brushing her light brown hair behind her ear, “Like when Mr. Fizzles got sick. This time is a little different though. Momma isn’t going to get better like Mr. Fizzles did. We need to be gentle with momma, because soon she’s going to go be with Grandma and Grandpa, and Cas is going to take her there. She’s going to go to a special place.”_

_“Can we go visit her daddy? When she’s in her special place?” she asked me in that little voice of hers. The one that told me that she didn’t quite understand what I was telling her, but that she was trying to be brave like the princesses and generals her Aunt Charlie told her about. The voice that absolutely broke my heart to hear. My daughter should not have to be asking me this. This shouldn’t be happening._

_But before I let myself spiral out of control I answered, “No baby. I’m sorry. Once she goes to the special place, we won’t be able to visit her.”_

_She just nodded her little head and took my hand, “Can we go see momma now?”_

_“Sure baby.”_

_\- - - -_

_Charlie had taken to seeing Y/N better than either of us thought. She had some questions, which between the two of us we were able to answer in a way that she understood; hopefully. Dean had taken her to go watch a movie, giving Y/N some time alone, to what we figured out was goodbye._

_I got in bed with her, pulling her to me. I knew she was sore, but she didn’t pull away from my touch, knowing just as well as anybody that this was it. We laid there silently, not needing to say anything. There wasn’t really anything to say when you know your time is coming to an end. It was all rushing my mind, everything that I wanted to say, but nothing seemed appropriate._

_So instead I just kept stroking her hair._

_“Mm. I’ll miss this,” she whispered._

_“Y/N,” I started, but it just came out strangled so I stopped._

_“No, I really will. This is it Sam,” she said looking up to me, those once vibrant e/c eyes now a duller shade of the same color. “I’m not sure how much longer I have, it’s not long. I just want to be here, with you, as long as I possibly can. Please.”_

_“Anything baby. I will hold you forever,” I whispered, kissing her forehead._

_“Do something for me?”_

_“Anything. Absolutely anything.”_

_“There’s a letter, on the nightstand. One for you and one for Charlotte when she’s older. It’s not much. More of what I’ve told you every day for the last 15 years that we’ve had each other. Whenever your ready, I’d like you to read it. You don’t have to do it now, soon, or ever. That’s up to you. I have loved you everyday since the day I met you, do you remember that?”_

_I let out a quick breath of air, amused at the memory of the day that she showed up on a hunt that Dean and I were on, of course saving both our hides, and accepting a coffee date in return. Nothing had been the same since, well, except that that wasn’t the last time Dean or I needed to be saved, with Y/N doing the saving._

_“Of course I do.”_

_“That has been a lot of days of loving you Sam Winchester. It’s been exhausting, scary and terrifying. But it’s also been wonderful, life changing and extraordinary. I wouldn’t change any of what has happened for anything. Promise me that you won’t let this hold you back. Mourn the loss, but don’t let it keep you from moving on.”_

_I was crying by this point, just listening to her talk so openly about what was happening and what was going to happen._

_Through the choked tears I barely got out my answer, wanting to listen to her talk for ever._

_“Anything for you baby,” I said with another kiss, this time placing it softly on her lips and lingering for as long as I could._

_I didn’t know how I was going to sleep that night. I wanted to stay awake as long as I could, because somewhere in my mind I figured, hoped, that the longer we stayed awake, the longer she would stay here. Y/N and I managed to stay awake a little longer talking about anything and everything that we could._

_My mind and body eventually succumbed to it though, both of us drifting off with the night, holding onto each other._

_We fell asleep like that, wrapped in the warmth of each other._

_Only in the morning, I woke up alone._

_It took me a moment to process what that meant, realizing that it wasn’t because she was already out of bed for the day, but...she that she wasn’t here. It was then that I remembered the conversation that I had had with Dean and Cas; the one about what would happen when she...left. That’s what I told myself at least. I wouldn’t let myself think about her dying. About Cas bringing her soul to heaven, sure. But not about her dying. And not about what Dean said he’d do with...for...her._

_I wasn’t sure how long I was in bed for. I knew it was well passed 1 in the afternoon. It was selfish of me to stay in bed so long, I had Charlie to take care of, but I also knew that Dean was here and would take her._

_When I finally managed to leave the bed and roam the halls of the bunker, I noticed that they seemed different. Cold. Empty. They were usually like that, but it was more prominent knowing that Y/N wasn’t around to walk through these halls anymore._

_I maybe took the long way to getting to the kitchen from our...my bedroom, or I just had no concept of time. I wasn’t quite sure. I walked into the kitchen, eyes puffy, hair strewn about and still in my pajamas to see Dean and Cas sitting at the table._

_“Where’s Char--” I started, a panic rising in my chest._

_“Mom has her, she went to see Jody and the girls. I know you want to be with her, but mom figured you’d want a few days to...process,” Dean told me._

_“Sam, I’m sorry, I thought--” Cas started. Even though we hadn’t talked about it, I knew what he was talking about._

_“No, Cas. It’s fine. It was probably better that way, for all of us, that you did that. Thanks buddy,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. After a moment, I moved my hand and sat at the table with them, Dean sliding over a cup of coffee, which may of had a little extra something in it. I turned back to Cas again, thinking about how to ask what I wanted, but not finding the words._

_“Sam,” Cas started, prompting me to look at him. “She’s fine. She’s in her own special heaven. The cabin on the lake that faced the mountains. There’s photos of the three of you adorning every shelf inside that has the space for one. Y/N is okay with this, and she wants you to be too.”_

_I smiled thinking about the weekend that I brought her to that cabin. It was for our anniversary one year. We went completely off the grid, just spending time in each others company, watching the sunsets and me showing her just how much I adored her._

_“Thanks guys. For everything.”_

**If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go**

**If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go**

**I'll go wherever you will go**

Sam, I will be with you, in your mind, heart and in Charlotte, wherever you go. I will be here to guide you and watch you; I will be with you for all of time. I know you’re going to have some dark days, but I know that you will get through them and be fine.

 

If I could turn back time I would take back everything that has brought us here, but I can’t. I know that you’re so incredibly strong and will make it. For me. For Charlie. For yourself.

If you need to, take this ring and talk to Rowena, she’ll know what you want. I really believe that you and Charlie will be ok though. I know we talked about this, about you letting me go. But if you choose this, I won’t be upset.

 

But I know you Sam Winchester. You are going to be fine.

 

I will always go wherever you will go.

 

I love you more everyday with everything I have to give.

I’ll be watching over you and Charlotte.

Give her a kiss for me.

 

I love you Sam.

 

Y/N

 

_\- - - -_

I folded up the worn letter, something I had read so many times in the last year, and tucked it back into the book that she loved reading to Charlie. Walking down the hall I passed Dean’s man cave, hearing the sounds of Chip and Potato coming from inside, surprised that they were even still awake. I stepped inside quietly, only to see Dean asleep on the couch with Charlie asleep on his chest, sucking on her thumb with her arm around Mr. Fizzles.

 

I had to smile at the sight, knowing that Charlie had a way with sneaking out of bed and ending up wherever Dean was. This hadn’t been the first time that they had fallen asleep on the couch watching one of her shows, and it most certainly wouldn’t be the last.

 

Despite everything, my heart swelled with so much love for what I was seeing. Y/N was right. Charlie and I were doing okay. We still had our hard days, but for the most part we were doing just fine.

 

Taking the blanket off the back of the couch, I carefully covered both of them, leaving a kiss on her head before walking to my room.

Miss Charlotte Mae Winchester was the spitting image of her mother. Even though I lost one of the loves of my life, Charlotte and I still had each other, along with all of the memories and stories of momma.

 

We were really going to be ok.


End file.
